My first memory of Adderall is a confused one. I was prescribed the drug in high-school to counter-act my diagnosis of ADD. Prone to mysterious allergies and miscellaneous mood disorders for most of my life, I was no stranger to random pharmaceuticals being pushed on me. So I took a bunch, expecting the same result I got when I took Zoloft: Nothing.
What I remember from that day/night/day again is a myriad of fuckedupness. Just a rollercoaster of emotion. I remember euphorically blasting Happy 2b Hardcore anthems and dancing by myself for hours. I remember having some kind of dramatic mental breakdown and cutting myself with a clothespin. I remember having a weird heart-to-heart with my mom. I remember laying in bed, feeling my heart racing, wondering when I will be able to sleep again, or if I even will.
The most vivid memory I have is laying on the floor, watching the dusty shafts of sunlight come in through the blinds in the window and listening to this song by The Books over and over and over again.
Even to this day, weird emotions are invoked inside me every time I hear that haunting little guitar melody.
I didn't take Adderall again until sometime last year. Learning from my mistakes, I took great care not to overdose like an asshole for no reason. And I believed it to be a miracle drug. Holy shit, the papers I pulled out of my ass for the couple college classes I had. The work I did, and loved it.
That's what Adderall does. It makes you do shit that normally you just don't want to do. Which for me is heaven. Seeing as how my whole life can me summed up as series incidents where I don't do something I don't want to do but should do, and getting fucked for it. I don't even know the meaning of procrastination when I'm on adderall. It gives you a 3 hour window where you can do anything.
It wasn't until months afterwards that I equated my intense irritability and depression as part of coming down off Adderall. It's fucking horrible coming down off aderall for me. It makes me hate myself and everyone else. Now even at the height of Adderall elation and prolonged productiveness, there is no enjoyment, only dread at the come down. To the point where I don't even want this shit. It's literally Bi-Polar in pill form.
Then I go a few days without it. And those few days are the most unproductive, waste of life days of my entire life. Seriously, how the fuck did I get along without this bullshit. It's like everything I do is half-assed. I can't write a fucking thing. I don't respond to messages because I don't feel witty enough. 99 percent of the writing I've done on this silly blog was a direct result of those miserable orange little capsules. And don't get me started on my music. If you ever want to spend 8-10 hours sitting in front of a computer screen, completely oblivious to eveyththing in the world including your basic human needs (like, i don't know.. EATING FOOD), take Adderall, put on a good pair of headphones, and load up Fruityloops. I lost 20+ pounds since I started taking Adderall again. I've heard of doctors prescribing the drug as a diet pill, and I can absolutely understand why. It makes you expend massive amounts of energy while at the same time demolishing any remote sense of appetite. It really can't be healthy.
It sucks having that weird insecurity where you feel like most of your talent comes from some manufactured chemical. It makes me wonder how it is even legal. I mean, when it comes down to it, it's literally legal speed. It's a street-drug but the pusher is a doctor. It baffles me. I know a drug is a street drug, when my hippy younger brother is constantly asking me to "hook it up with some addy's on the cheap".
Anyways, I could probably go on forever about my love/hate relationship of prescription amphetamines. But I won't. I have yardwork to do before my high wears off.
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